My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
calling in to work dehydrated
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.