We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water