Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[eats all your cotton candy]
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: