I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??