I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.