I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass