like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The little toadstool has spoken.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Put the is in disheveled