Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.