Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense