“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?