The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
I went from rags to one rag.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
😭😭😭
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
going to bed
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
