Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
