going to bed
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it