This tweet has been deleted
Me too door. Me too.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I ignore life will it go away?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs