My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday