I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Got ya covered
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Spring of Deception