My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Art by Pastelkatto
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Get in loser we’re going crying