I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again