“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This checks out
