why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa