Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
shut up and take my money
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!