I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
