At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
they really do be looking like this
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
cyclists
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit