No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.