I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
