I went from rags to one rag.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
😭😭😭
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
going to bed
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
