Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.