Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
every man in east london
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.