My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m putting together a team
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?