Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
sugar glider wrangler
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
