BRAKING NEWS!!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Writing, She Murdered.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
sin harder.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT