Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Mhm.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Mornin
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too