I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…