this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
PARKOUR
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
