chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well