spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.