THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*ernest hemingway voice*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why