motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.