People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
your honor my client chooses dare
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.