Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Cardio Made Easy
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.