The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I have written yet another poem about laundry