They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk