My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.