There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”