Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024