I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.