Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
fair
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.