People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
🤣🤣🤣
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.