I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Try and stop me.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!