Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal