if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Oh. My. God.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.