every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me opening up to someone
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.