Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.