him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*cough*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.