My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.