When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!