Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
